‘Depot Buys Max,’ Nation’s Office-Supply-Loving Teens Text Frantically To One Another | The Onion

The Onion is sinking three-pointers from half court:

NEW YORK—Wholesale office supply mania once again captured the fevered imaginations of the nation’s teenagers Wednesday as industry juggernaut Office Depot announced plans to purchase competitor OfficeMax in an all-stock deal worth $1.2 billion. “Yo, Depot bought the Max?! This is going 2 change everything,” self-professed office supply nut Tara Wilson, 17, texted to friends as she, like millions of American teens just like her, eagerly searched industry news sites for more details on the upcoming merger.